STEAMER!

Kansas baseball sure lived up to its billing! Of course, to our surprise, the team stinking up the joint was not the Royals, but the Milwaukee Brewers. While a soaking wet field had something to do with Friday night's misadventures - innumerable Bill Hall miscues and even a rare Corey Koskie error - failing to score against the mediocrity of Mark Redman on Saturday was inexcusable.

Kauffman Stadium was indeed beautiful, a baseball nirvana of sorts. Although a portly elderly usher resembling the later years of Hemingway both physically and in surliness forced us all the way out of the shady portion of the upper deck (it turns out that for some reason the cheapest sections - ours - did not include these comfy nether regions of the upper deck), we managed later to hide behind some li'l biscuits and their parents in the shade and keep from KC Masterpiecing in the heat.

Speaking of the KC Masterpiece, we found our way to KC's finest BBQ joint after the Friday game, and treated ourselves to "The Works". A generous heaping of spare ribs, pig pickin' pork, beef burnt ends, and roast chicken later, the courtesy wheelbarrow poured us back into our car.

While my first Waffle House experience was a true awakening on the road home, I was truly floored by the Royals apparent arrangement with the two Chicago teams to serve as their Quintuple-A (AAAAA) affiliate. When the time has come to put a Cub or White Sox out to pasture, Kansas City's unmatched hospitality and fine cuisine serve as that last waystation on the way out of the bigs. Currently enjoying the finest hospice care MLB has to offer are Matt Stairs, Mark Grudzielanek, Paul Bako, Tony Graffanino, and the indefatiguable Jeremi Gonzalez (the man with the bionic arm who survives to this day despite his utter futility when it comes to staying healthy or getting hitters out).

Finally, I have a suspicion regarding how the Royals were able to afford 20,000 Kansas City Monarchs hats harkening back to the old Negro Leagues. If you look closely at the "C", you will discover that it is identical to the one emblazoned on all Cincinnati Reds paraphenalia. Since the cap's colors appear to be a dead-on match as well, I have no choice but to believe that the Royals went clearance bin diving, unearthed 20,000 discarded Reds velcro caps. added a few white stripes all around and a "K" in over the "C" up front, and a sneaky Pepsi logo on the strap in order to actually turn a profit on the giveaway itself - a rare feat, indeed.

Between the hat and Friday's Frank White bobblehead (which has him holding a stack of eight Gold Gloves), we found this weekend to be a true score - Big Mak's $108 speeding ticket notwithstanding (82 in a 70 seems a tad questionable - however, according to the ticket, even going 1-5 mph over the speed limit in Missouri is an offense punishable to the tune of $73...set your cruise control, folks)

Future trips to Cincinnati, Cleveland, and Detroit currently in the works, and a long-overdue post on the birthday camping adventure still to come...

AN ARBY'S AWAKENING

Before heading for Kansas City this morning, Big Mak needed to fuel up - which meant 87 octane for the Cavalier and a Big Montana for its master. Having just feasted on my daily dog food (a.k.a. generic Aldi imitation frosted mini-wheats) I was left in a difficult position. I didn't feel like a roast beef sandwich, but I just couldn't sit there and watch Arby's sauce cascade down Mak's chin. What was I to do? As P-Diddy would suggest, diversify.

Previously, I had shuddered at the thought of an Arby's roast beef gyros effort. However, at this point in time I found myself more receptive than ever to the prospect of combining quality roast beef with everything that's right about a gyros. This sounded promising, I had to admit. Sealing the deal was the siren's song of the outdoor sign beckoning me to try one for just $2.99.

Best money I ever spent. All the gyros flavor, and none of the recycled aftertastes and gaseous discharges that normally accompany a gyros adventure (only a well-timed gas station ice cream waffle cone brought out my strongest flavors and allowed me to hotbox Big Mak with noxious fumes).

Seeking to spread the gospel, I tried to find a picture of this delicious goodness, but even Arby's disavows its existence - this suggests that the gyros is only in the testing phases. I highly recommend that anyone fortunate enough to come across a roast beef gyros try one before they disappear (like the McDonald's ribwich, but this creation won't cause your digestive tract to file for divorce).

You see, fast food places will try ANYTHING to get you in the door, from Hardee's giant beef taco salad to Wendy's Ciabatta sandwiches to KFC's Bowls o' Death. Like throwing spitballs at a wall and seeing what sticks, the fast food universe will introduce a ridiculous number of new products; few will last past their introductory period or designated season.

So please, make the Arby's gyros stick so that I can be a cheap bastard and keep getting my $2.99-are-you-out-of-your-mind lunch specials.

More tomorrow on the K.C. baseball slip-n-slide involving a ridiculous number of ex-Cubs stiffs.

Other stories shall remain untold...

KANSAS CITY, HERE WE COME!

OK, so our trusty Cavalier is actually a 2005, but this picture is exponentially cooler. Anyways, another company-sponsored (ok, not really) trip is upon us, a Triple Helix Consultants field experiment in baseball depravity involving the hapless Royals of Kansas City. Truly something special this trip, with pitching matchups during our two-day stay comprising Doug Davis (ex-Ranger stiff), Mark Redman (ex-Pittsburgh stiff), Brandon Duckworth (ex-Phillie stiff) and Rick Helling (everybody's stiff du jour). The Royals have actually managed to cobble together a four-game winning streak in anticipation of our visit, but we have little doubt that they'll put on an encore performance in ineptitude in our honor.

Trip redux to follow...

Biscuit Trip Pix (Click on the Yellow Links)

Served with genuine ALAGA syrup, the Mary B's Biscuits (click for bonus picture) were truly something special (little did we know that the Philly Cheesesteak served behind home plate would somehow manage to top this).

Later in the trip, we blindly used our noses to guide us to Dreamland, home of the World's Greatest Ribs (another bonus picture). One more CB Salute to Matt Schlenz (seen here with some of his many adoring groupies), who not only tipped us off to this slice of heaven, but who also is buying out my interest in a Lazy-Boy with The Godfather DVD Trilogy (when you're a CB, as a rule you're generally the one being bought out when winding down business affairs).

Lastly, our Tampa Bay Devil Rays experience was greatly enhanced by our visit to The Beach (bonus picture here), where we were treated to $1 draft beers and $5 admission with our expired college IDs. Not necessarily paradise, but damn close - especially when the game features a battle for Florida involving multiple failed and discarded Cubs and Sox including Dueling Joe's Borchard and Borowski. Thanks to our visit to the gift shop, I am now also the (proud?) owner of a glossy 8 x 10 of St. Rey Sanchez, Shortstop.

All in all, one hell of a trip. We did some things wrong, as detailed by previous posts, but an awful lot went right. Our next Southern League trip is already in the works - Tennessee Smokies, Carolina Mudcats, and Chatanooga Lookouts here we come!

We'd like to take this opportunity to thank Toad Man Transportation for accommodating our Chicago ground transportation needs free of charge - he even threw in French toast on the house (for more on Toad Man, please visit www.toadsoffun.com).

Finally, an official CB sendoff with guns blazing.

(Stay tuned for Birthday Camping Trip Redux Coming Soon!)

Biscuitville Redux (At Last)

Welcome back! Back online at last, thanks to a trusty old hard-wired connection. For anyone looking for a college apartment that promises dysfunctional useless high-speed wireless internet, look no further. Anyways, at long last, the remainder of the Biscuitville adventure!

The above shot is of Montgomery's Riverwalk Stadium, home to the world's most delicious biscuits and the Double-A affiliate of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Author's Note: 10 hour Steak N Shake days are flying by, but taking a toll on this lazy body, so for once I'll mostly let the pictures do the talking in the above post (experiencing technical difficulties). Enjoy!