GOIN' TO THE DOGS

Being cheap can be costly. Not wanting to hand over any more money to the track (I'd already lost $4 in just two bets, not to mention $1 admission!), I limited myself to gentlemen's dollar bets on the table amongst friends. Didn't matter. My luck had been bad all day (a piece of flying particleboard had shattered my headlight enclosure - a $100 piece - out on the tollway, the "Check Engine" light ignominiously returned to burn a dull orange dot into my retinas, and worst of all, we traveled 20 miles out of our way to discover that the greasy gyros shack whose virtues Big Mak had been extolling for weeks was closed for renovations), so I probably should have sewn my pocket shut...but I didn't, so let the disaster begin!

The above picture might illuminate why my luck stayed sour all night. Whereas I was betting mostly on names, Bookie Bob (aka "Chewy") was scouring the program for weight, fastest times, and how they'd placed in recent races. I soon noticed that he was watching intently to see which dogs were relieving themselves on the way to the gate (he suspects that it lightens their load, thus making them faster). He did quite well for himself - his woman did even better. Meanwhile, a rundown of my picks and their finishes:

Race 5: William - 7th (Chewy's Choice)
Race 6: Folly - 8th (Dead Last - The Name Says It All...Bad Idea)
Race 7: Forever Kurt - 3rd (As In Russell - Born to Play Third Banana)
Race 8: JC's King Chaos - 5th
Race 9: JC's Storm - 6th (JC Sucks)
Race 10: King - 2nd (The Power of T.I. Just Wasn't Enough)
Race 11: Spider Edition - 4th (Hey, It Sounded Sneaky Fast)
Race 12: B's Run It Up - 7th (Didn't Exactly Scream Winner)
Race 13: Perfect Drift - 5th (Reminds Me of Passing & Sharing Gas)
Race 14: L's B Ronnie - 2nd (Almost a Happy Cheap Bastard)
Race 15: J's Justgimmimine - 3rd (At This Point, Desperation)


For those too lazy to count, that's eleven races, zero winners - a rough night. Thankfully, though, the clock made its way past midnight, beer quickly evaporated during a two hour Cubs therapy session (nothing like bad baseball to milk a losing streak), and suddenly I found myself at Buckets with a lunchbox in hand (See Above) and things began looking up. The Bears kicked ass a few hours later, and my previous night's 79-cent clearance diving spawned a brilliant idea: The Car PlantTM.

ODE TO THE ONION LOAF

My heart to you, oh onion loaf,
Until my arteries clog.
Deep fried, crunchy, subtly sweet,
You tasty up my blog.

Breakfast, dinner, late night snack,
You're perfect anytime.
And thanks to coupon come by mail,
You didn't cost a dime.

Criss-crossed ketchup from above,
As if some fine dessert.
A caveat for those who dare,
Be sure to wear dark shirt.

When sharing do not first partake,
But rather lie in wait.
Claim every onion left behind,
Make yours the serving plate.

With tunnel vision slice and dice,
Three mouthfuls maybe four.
Fork and knife make quick their work,
The mountain is no more.

But think ye not your work is done,
When crispies still remain.
Breaded shrapnel onion grease,
Endorphins to the brain.

To all my friends I thus entreat,
Dine out or feed the poor.
With Hackney's Famous Onion Loaf,
Tomorrow have some more.