Biscuit Diaries: Day 4

Birmingham BBQ & A Bunch of Li’l Biscuits

Ah, Birmingham. While Big Mak remains stubbornly partial to the antique charms of Montgomery, I found heaven in Birmingham. For the first time, not even a slice of this utopia was found at the ballpark. The Birmingham Barons play in a disheveled late-1980s monstrosity set in the middle of a complex of an office park – the last thing that makes the baseball mind wax nostalgic. Worse, today was the worst day to attend a Barons game. This was neither $5 large Little Caesar’s Monday Night, nor crappy 25-Cent Bar-S hot dog Tuesday. It definitely wasn’t $1 beer Thirsty Thursday (since Big Mak is still remarkably sober). No, this was School Spirit Day, where about ten schools took advantage of $3 tickets to flood the place with a horde of hyperactive nose pickers. To make matters worse, random giveaways thrown into the crowd ensured that these li’l biscuits would crash into us every few innings, shouting excitedly all the way – with an announced attendance of 6,000-plus, picture those six Li’l Biscuits pictured above out of uniform times a thousand. Our only salvation from the kids and the Barons’ limp noodle offense was the pitching of Ray Liotta (not the movie star), and delicious cinnamon pretzels. Mak and I agreed that when a pretzel is your best option at the ballpark, it might be time to tear the whole place down and start anew.

The outfield advertising is one area that even the Barons have right. At each stop, the entire outfield is plastered with ads, with only a small hitters’ backdrop in dead center offering some relief. Big Mak commented that this represents a real-life MySpace equivalent – a tiny little space that serves some purpose for the user (the MySpace user or the hitter, respectively) surrounded by endless obnoxious ads. Only Mak and I could find some use for these. At each minor league stop, we’ve each strategically picked one of the most obnoxious ads and had a standing bet that if a ball bounces up against this ad or flies over it, that person is entitled to an ice cream of their choice. Unfortunately, every time we make our picks, the hitters forget how to hit. Nevertheless, I have to agree with Mak that a particularly snarky real estate agent’s picture needed a good balling; thus, even though it would cost me precious ice cream dollars, I found myself rooting for him.

Despite the lack of offense in the game – a 2-0 Biscuit winner – and dearth of palatable food options, we had reason for optimism going forward. Fortunately, we had a reputable tip that the world’s best ribs were in town for the having, at a place appropriately dubbed “Dreamland” (pictures to follow as soon as I upload them). In the words of a good friend, OFF THE CHAIN! The ribs introduced themselves to us within two minutes of ordering, and they had me from “hello”. The fact that I also invited oversized helpings of baked beans and cole slaw to join the fun further precipitated their taking up happy residence in my stomach, where they remain solid citizens and pillars of the community eight hours later.

Driving through Birmingham on the way back, the endless rolling hills reminded me of my summer in Queretaro in 2004. Although some of the hills were ridiculously steep and a few wayward drivers almost made us glad we took out the insurance policy on the G6, I will nevertheless be sad to leave this place. Even the hotel no longer smells – the staff gave us some new aromatic biscuits for the A/C to take care of the air mold.

We’ll see if we manage to wake up at 4 AM to begin our long trek to Tampa. Big Mak may keep me entertained all night long with www.jumptheshark.com votes deciding at what point sitcoms took a terminal turn for the worse, or “jumped the shark”. I won’t mind, since this is my night sleeping on the Lazy-Boy.

After a nice long Tampa nap, I’ll have more on the last leg of our journey. Stay tuned!

BISCUIT DIARIES: DAY 3

THREE DAYS, THREE HOTEL DISASTERS

I guess I'll never be a travel agent. As we speak, Big Mak is grousing about sleeping on the floor of a StudioPlus motel, saying that he feels like he should wear a full body condom like those seen in the original Naked Gun to protect him from the moldy carpet. Unlike last night's Mobile, AL Howard Johnson, it appears that the body odor that the hotel infects us with grows worse with extensive use of the air conditioning; the HoJo, by contrast, appeared to mollify the mold by running the A/C full tilt. Regardless, when we went for our jackets out of the suitcases before heading into tonight's Biscuits game, our noses crinkled up in disgust when we realized that the "HoJo B.O." had claimed our outerwear - as well as everything in our suitcases. We managed to beat it back by standing in front of the Philly Cheese Steak stand for an hour or so (naturally, we couldn't help but order one apiece).

Thinking our ordeal was over and better times were ahead, we found our StudioPlus (an affiliate of Extended Stay America) with relative ease, and discovered the above similar moldy atmosphere. Needless to say - in the words of P-Diddy - this problem has severely moisturized our situation. Worse, having booked this room blind through Hotwire, I arrived only to discover that our room has only one bed. Big Mak is now sprawled out and curled up in a ball on the floor with half the bed's blankets (no cots available here). We think we'll need a Glade Plug-In infusion just to survive until our Thursday escape.

The picture shown at the top is the HoJo's tennis court. It is also home to the strangest shower I've ever seen (shown below - I suppose that the second head is great for washing off crabs or other undesirables left over from a night of dirty HoJo B.O. osmosis. The pool was an eery shade of green, the balcony door was stuck shut, and there was no garbage can - we had to flush big mak's used deodorant down the toilet (thankfully it was up to the task).



Our first hotel on Sunday - the Best Western Reliant Park Inn & Suites - took fifty miles of helplessly meandering through Houston's loop-de-loop of highway spaghetti (complete with giant construction meatballs). Once we got there, we found that the promise of free wireless internet was just that (the HoJo had the same problem, even though they had a giant banner bragging about their free wireless internet). Amusingly, the Best Western neglects to provide guests with soap, shampoo, or any of the other typical hotel fineries - you have to waddle down to the front desk soaking wet in flip-flops in order to get some suds. Thankfully, I had brought last year's birthday present with me (thanks, Stevo and the Hymans) so I was set, but still upset.

The last choppy waters involve Big Mak's book bag, which he checked in Chicago. Not only did it get tagged with my name, it never made it to Houston. By the time they got it sent there and to our hotel, we were 500 miles away in Mobile.

This is not to say that our trip hasn't been a blast. Our car is sweet - a brand new Pontiac G6 that Big Mak loves to drive like a spaz, and the baseball has been quite amusing at each stop. Happily, the cuisine has been even better.



Sunday - Houston: footlong steak dog, chocolate ice cream waffle cone @ The Juice Box
Monday - Houston/Mobile: waffle & bagel breakfast @ hotel, Arby's
Tuesday - Mobile/Montgomery: crappy continental breakfast, Chick-fil-A, Biscuits & Philly cheese steak & root beer float @ Biscuit's ballpark

We caught two games today, the Mobile BayBears wrapping up a series with Jacksonville during the day and the Biscuits vs the Cubs' AA team at night. Two comebacks, with the West Tennessee DiamondJaxx (the Cubs' affiliate) blowing a five-run lead in the seventh to the Biscuits - must be an organizational philosophy.

The true highlight: Fernando Valenzuela, Jr. Just as porky as his dad, he was a pure joy to watch trying to beat out ground balls. If only he pitched.

I would have Biscuit pics from tonight's game, but I left my camera cord back home and had to have Walgreens put my photos to date on CD. Unfortunately, I didn't get their Stevo, but rather a dude in a manger's uniform who burned me a coaster full of nothing - I had to get someone else to fix it, and almost missed part of the Biscuits game waiting for them to get it right. Anyways, I'll try to get more pics onto CD in the next day or two - Biscuitville is indeed a magical place, making this trip well worth all the truly crappy hotels.

Remaining Days:
Wednesday: Birmingham Barons vs Montgomery Biscuits in Birmingham, 11:05 AM
Thursday: Tampa Bay Devil Rays vs Chicago White Sox in Tampa, 7:05 PM
Friday: Tampa Bay Devil Rays vs Florida Marlins in Tampa, 7:05 PM
Saturday: Late flight home from Tampa - don't forget to pick us up, Toad Man!

BOOKIN' IT BLIND: HOTELS BY CB
[BISCUIT COUNTDOWN: 3 DAYS]

Seeing as we hadn't yet deigned to book a hotel for the majority of our impending trip (see above countdown), a number of curious onlookers - their necks craning to get a glimpse of this train wreck planning process as it unfurls before them - expressed concern that we might not end up in the most...savory...of places, but rather find ourselves carefully reading signs like the above.

Making such a scenario all the more likely was my life's mandate to unearth the best hotel bargain within reason at each stop on our journey. Now, this doesn't always mean slumming it - we're actually staying at a classy Marriot Suites in Tampa (Thanks, Travelzoo!) - but it does mean taking a few calculated risks. Through the miracle of Hotwire, I came across a deal for two nights in or around Birmingham for $34 per. Now, we weren't told in advance where we'd be staying, nor anything more than a very general area detailing the hotel's location. (When he got wind of this, The Big Mak (tm) immediately headed for the nearest Orkin man for the latest in Raid roach-killing technology.) Thankfully, we did not land in the Mile Hi Motel, but rather a trusty Extended Stay America. So, thus completed, our updated itinerary - hotels and all - is as follows:

Sunday, May 14: Houston, TX - Astros vs Rockies (Best Western)
Monday, May 15: Mobile, AL - Bay Bears vs Jacksonville (HoJo!)
Tuesday, May 16: Montgomery, AL - Biscuits vs DiamondJaxx (Drive to Birmingham - Extended Stay America)
Wednesday, May 17: Birmingham, AL - Barons vs Biscuits (Extended Stay America)
Thursday, May 18: Tampa, FL - D-Rays vs White Sox (SpringHill Suites)
Friday, May 19: Tampa, FL - D-Rays vs Marlins (SpringHill Suites)
Saturday, May 20: Tampa, FL - No Game/Late Flight Out (Hobo Style)

[Señor CB's Note: Those hobos are just random stiffs whose picture came up on Yahoo Images - they are not us, nor anyone we know]

More Biscuit-infused updates to come...

HOT POKER ACTION
[BISCUIT COUNTDOWN: 13 DAYS]

It was a good weekend to be a Cheap Bastard. While blindsided by some unanticipated outlays, it was nevertheless a net winner for this CB. How? My first ever Hold 'Em victory. Granted, it was only a $5 buy-in at a table of six, but walking away $20 richer than you came is still impressive.

Even cooler was the fact that we roped a Latin King of Comedy into our little game, after taking in his performance at The Funny Bone. While I'd love to say that this brush with celebrity came about due to our inherent coolness, the fact that the poor guy from Hollywood was marooned in Bloomingt0n-Normal surely influenced his decision. Nevertheless, a class act all the way (I'm now officially a member of his fan club).

Anyways, rest assured that I am not some poker stud (nor disco stud, nor any other kind of stud, for that matter); however, the law of averages had my back - I'd never before made money in a card game. If you take the dirty salesman hat out of the equation, that likeness of Edward Norton in Rounders closely approximates what I look like playing poker - with remarkably similar results, as his character just always happens to find a way to lose or get his ass kicked.

Anyways, I will be back with a Slip-N-Slide redux tomorrow, and still have yet to expound on the wonders of clearance gum. With 13 days til Biscuitville, the best is yet to come!