The CB Gourmet - Part I

Fried Bologna

Welcome to the first installment of the CB Gourmet! With Mother Toad out of town - and therefore wholly unavailable to cook for her hungry family of CBs - little choice was left but to revert to our most primal survival instincts. After all the high-quality leftovers (spinach shells, roast beef, homemade Chinese concoction, etc.) had been consumed in a matter of a few bored hours, the all-important 10 PM snack appeared to have been given the short shrift.

What to do when you've just finished a bowl of cheesy nachos and have already met your pudding quota for the day? There's really only one answer: BOLOGNA!

...and for a family that is not particular in selecting its version of sliced hot dog (I'm sure they all contain USDA Grade "F" Circus Animal Filler), there is only one way to make it appetizing - FRY IT.

Anyways, some cheap piece of networking equipment (my ancient modem, perhaps my Netgear router) is not allowing me to upload anything substantial at the moment. I PROMISE a video of Señor CB playing with bologna as soon as cost considerations permit me to get this fixed.

THE GREAT CB DEBATES: PART I

The Half Stick of Gum

There is nothing wrong with this picture! Yet when someone spots your pack of gum coming out of the pocket (this person automatically wins the title of cheapest bastard in the room, temporarily usurping your CB authority), they feign - or genuinely feel - incredulity upon discovering that you would dare to offer only a half piece. For some reason, these leeches believe a entire stick to be a birthright entitlement.

The truth that escapes them could not fit in Lee Garcia's old Club Wagon, let alone a simpletonic blog post. First off, scientific studies have been doggedly pursuing more worthwhile streams of research, and therefore haven't had the time nor inclination to dispute the CB Certified Fact(TM) that a half stick of gum packs every bit as much flavor and longevity of a full stick/wad/ball/chub. Secondly (and more importantly, from a CB perspective), every form of what is deemed progress in the modern world follows a well-worn pattern of divide-and-conquer, (a great live version of Husker Du's song with said title) in which a significantly sizable whole unit - be it human, silicon, or media floating in the ether - is broken down to the smallest possible unit and tirelessly developed in order to subsequently be exploited. Think about it. The computer bringing you the latest CB adventures would still be a Commodore (but at least its Darth Vader shape would make it retro-chic) had the white shirts at Intel and IBM not started playing with smaller and smaller pieces of precious metals. Cable television isn't sold to your local municipality; rather, it's sold to the amoeba of mankind - you - not because Comcast loves you (they don't), but rather because the resultant tininess has effectively rendered you insignificant.

...which brings us back to the main idea. The half stick of gum has been efficiently broken down to its smallest usable subunit, and - like the cable package sold to the individual subscriber - is thereby itself not of any great importance to its giver.

You see, any cheap bastard who gives you a stick of gum has a little calculator going nuts in his (or her) head telling him that this morsel of Stride cost him $.04 (since he always holds out for the $1.50 3-pack sales at Walgreen's) and this loss will relentlessly gnaw at him for hours. Conversely, if he splits a piece - taking half for himself and partaking in a shared chew with his favorite mooch - he has cost himself only two cents, while also getting something out of it himself.

I'm open to arguments against dealing in half-sticks of gum, but at the least for those who disagree, please take a moment to think about what's going on in the head of your favorite CB before you share with him your sense of disbelief with a quizzically puzzled stare.

CB's Fashion Trends: 2007

The Superfluous "Outtie" Nipple Snap

A previously untapped resource (Street Name: "Pooke") has brought this latest in the absurd $25-a-ticket runway show world of high fashion to The CB's attention. Of course, like a true budding CB, Monsieur Pooke came about this acquisition by rifling through the clearance racks at his favorite thrift shop - so a first-go-'round trend this most certainly is not. Nevertheless, fashion has proved nothing if not nauseatingly cyclical. So you heard it here first - get your superfluous "Outtie" nipples taped, sewn, or glued to your pants ASAP (the more "outties" the better - chicks dig it!) - or try to find your own legit original item the Pooke way.

Now that the "outtie" is all the rage, it matters little what it's original intended function may have been - after all, style and function are generally mutually exclusive (ask Paris Hilton to lift anything heavier than Mr. Bigglesworth in her latest duds). All the same, the world hungers to unearth the true utility of the "outtie".

The revolution has already begun - before you get the chance to forward this picture to your friends, "outties" will be popping out of the seams of previously unsuspecting flies everywhere you turn.

Now all the "outtie" needs is a mate - perhaps an "innie" snap for the ladies is in order.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!