THE GREAT CB DEBATES: PART I
The Half Stick of Gum
The Half Stick of Gum
There is nothing wrong with this picture! Yet when someone spots your pack of gum coming out of the pocket (this person automatically wins the title of cheapest bastard in the room, temporarily usurping your CB authority), they feign - or genuinely feel - incredulity upon discovering that you would dare to offer only a half piece. For some reason, these leeches believe a entire stick to be a birthright entitlement.
The truth that escapes them could not fit in Lee Garcia's old Club Wagon, let alone a simpletonic blog post. First off, scientific studies have been doggedly pursuing more worthwhile streams of research, and therefore haven't had the time nor inclination to dispute the CB Certified Fact(TM) that a half stick of gum packs every bit as much flavor and longevity of a full stick/wad/ball/chub. Secondly (and more importantly, from a CB perspective), every form of what is deemed progress in the modern world follows a well-worn pattern of divide-and-conquer, (a great live version of Husker Du's song with said title) in which a significantly sizable whole unit - be it human, silicon, or media floating in the ether - is broken down to the smallest possible unit and tirelessly developed in order to subsequently be exploited. Think about it. The computer bringing you the latest CB adventures would still be a Commodore (but at least its Darth Vader shape would make it retro-chic) had the white shirts at Intel and IBM not started playing with smaller and smaller pieces of precious metals. Cable television isn't sold to your local municipality; rather, it's sold to the amoeba of mankind - you - not because Comcast loves you (they don't), but rather because the resultant tininess has effectively rendered you insignificant.
...which brings us back to the main idea. The half stick of gum has been efficiently broken down to its smallest usable subunit, and - like the cable package sold to the individual subscriber - is thereby itself not of any great importance to its giver.
You see, any cheap bastard who gives you a stick of gum has a little calculator going nuts in his (or her) head telling him that this morsel of Stride cost him $.04 (since he always holds out for the $1.50 3-pack sales at Walgreen's) and this loss will relentlessly gnaw at him for hours. Conversely, if he splits a piece - taking half for himself and partaking in a shared chew with his favorite mooch - he has cost himself only two cents, while also getting something out of it himself.
I'm open to arguments against dealing in half-sticks of gum, but at the least for those who disagree, please take a moment to think about what's going on in the head of your favorite CB before you share with him your sense of disbelief with a quizzically puzzled stare.
The truth that escapes them could not fit in Lee Garcia's old Club Wagon, let alone a simpletonic blog post. First off, scientific studies have been doggedly pursuing more worthwhile streams of research, and therefore haven't had the time nor inclination to dispute the CB Certified Fact(TM) that a half stick of gum packs every bit as much flavor and longevity of a full stick/wad/ball/chub. Secondly (and more importantly, from a CB perspective), every form of what is deemed progress in the modern world follows a well-worn pattern of divide-and-conquer, (a great live version of Husker Du's song with said title) in which a significantly sizable whole unit - be it human, silicon, or media floating in the ether - is broken down to the smallest possible unit and tirelessly developed in order to subsequently be exploited. Think about it. The computer bringing you the latest CB adventures would still be a Commodore (but at least its Darth Vader shape would make it retro-chic) had the white shirts at Intel and IBM not started playing with smaller and smaller pieces of precious metals. Cable television isn't sold to your local municipality; rather, it's sold to the amoeba of mankind - you - not because Comcast loves you (they don't), but rather because the resultant tininess has effectively rendered you insignificant.
...which brings us back to the main idea. The half stick of gum has been efficiently broken down to its smallest usable subunit, and - like the cable package sold to the individual subscriber - is thereby itself not of any great importance to its giver.
You see, any cheap bastard who gives you a stick of gum has a little calculator going nuts in his (or her) head telling him that this morsel of Stride cost him $.04 (since he always holds out for the $1.50 3-pack sales at Walgreen's) and this loss will relentlessly gnaw at him for hours. Conversely, if he splits a piece - taking half for himself and partaking in a shared chew with his favorite mooch - he has cost himself only two cents, while also getting something out of it himself.
I'm open to arguments against dealing in half-sticks of gum, but at the least for those who disagree, please take a moment to think about what's going on in the head of your favorite CB before you share with him your sense of disbelief with a quizzically puzzled stare.
posted by Ryan at 2:07 AM
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